Two Sadhus, Three Autos, and a 4 PM Deadline

The following story is true. Should you choose to believe it, please forward a copy to as many friends and family as you can. It won’t bring you luck, Microsoft will not send you a check, come to think of it— it really won’t do you any good one way or another.

Accosted on the streets of Ahmedabad! Victim of Clueless Auto Drivers and Gujarati Extortion Conspiracy!

I needed to research something for work. As they only have a dial-up modem on one computer, I grabbed my laptop and headed for the nearest A/C WIFI café—Mint. A bit of a pricey joint, but conveniently located by my favorite shoeshine boy. (see earlier post)

It should have only taken me six minutes by auto to get there; it was 2:45. I had enough time to get there, get the info I needed and get back by 4PM for a meeting with my boss. (Who needed the information I needed the internet to procure).

While crossing the street, I spy with my little eye the first sadhus I have seen in Ahmedabad. They are large, wide and tall men, long beards, sun-faded orange clothes, one even with a walking staff. Wordlessly they make a bee-line for the one guy on the street who won’t understand a word they say; me. I zig, they zag. I cut and roll only to get snagged by the large hands of the taller of the two. He has me by the arm and bellows something I can actually understand.

“You are a man of size. (thanks asshole) You must have been a sadhu in your last life. Share with us everything you can!”

If only I knew how to respond I would have said, “ yeah- I was a sadhu in my last life- that’s why I am back here again to make up for being such a lazy, self-indulgent asshole.”

A nice young man was walking by- I looked, no implored him with my eyes to come and help me. He walks over, “Sadhu-ji, this man is from England [sic], he cannot understand your speech. If you let him go, perhaps I can help him understand what you are saying!”
“BAH!” says the Sadhu. But as he says “Bah!” he pulls his hand from my arm to gesture his disgust as being rebuked, just enough for me to step out of his way. My helper and I break for the end of the street leaving the sadhus yelling at the top of their lungs. It is now 3:00PM.

I thank him profusely and get into an auto. “Crossword Bookstore. Mithakali Circle.” “Yes Sir I know where,” he responds. If I said Mint, he would have said he knows where. If I said Lexington and Fifth he would have said he knows where.

Two minutes into the drive I notice we are heading somewhere, not entirely wrong, but definitely not the fastest way to Mint. I try to correct him. He says “it is shortcut.” He makes a turn, goes around the roundabout and pulls off to the left. “Here sir.” Where sir?

This is wrong I say. He says “No sir, CG Road.” Ummm. Yeah.
He then proceeds to demand 15 rupees for a ride worth no more than 8. I pay him 8. He starts to yell and grabs for my hand. Out of nowhere I pull my hand back and bellow. It is the best way to describe what came out of my mouth. “GO! GET OUT OF HERE!”

He pulls off, knowing he was trying to cheat me and I turn to this other auto standing right beside me. “Crossword Bookstore. Mithakali Circle.” “Yes, sir I know” where should have been my first clue. 10 minutes later I ask, “Where are you going?”

“Here sir.” Where sir? “University.” The University? “Yes, sir.” No sir. We head back literally to where we started. 10 more minutes go by. He says, 25 rupees. I pay him 7 rupees. He starts to yell at me. I…yes, bellow. [Where I picked this ability up from I have no idea]

He peels out, difficult to do with a two-stroke engine and three wheels. A third auto driver is staring at me, laughing his ass off. I ask him what’s so funny. Well, more like “Kya Hai?” He says “where you go?” I say “Crossword Bookstore. Mithakali Circle.”

He says… “Get in.” He charges me 7 rupees for a 12 rupee ride after I explain everything that happened since leaving the office. I say thanks; he smiles. The time is now 3:35PM.

I go inside, ducking past my favorite shoeshine boy, order a coffee, get the information I need and get back to the office at 4:03PM.